time has passed

I meant to keep this blog updated...but as has been the case for the last 18 months, I cant find the energy to keep on top of anything.

Since my last post, things have changed in that I have a new job with a company car, have decorated the house and planted flowers in the garden that Phil worked so hard to clear from weeds. I have also found that my confidence is at rock bottom, and every little challenge becomes seems unsurmountable. I still miss him every single day, and his ashes are still at the side of my bed, on the side he slept. This freaks so many of my friends out!

My boss called me in to his office a month ago and told me he was not happy with some of my work, and I broke down. I have now been off work for a month with stress - something I never thought would happen to me because I have always been strong. Apparently,  that was the problem. I am allowed to tell people what I want and tell them if their conversation offends...but I am just too nice. I need some assertiveness training - or Phil to hug me and tell me that I am not stupid and that my boss was having a bad day and has a history of doing this to staff...logic has gone out the window.

I wonder if I will ever find my confidence again. I know I need to stand up for myself and say no occasionally, but I cant seem to speak up. I seem to be drowning in anxiety and worry.

The guilt I feel at not recognizing the signs of heart failure in Phil that night (he felt sick and had heartburn), and then struggling at giving him CPR while on the phone to the 999 call centre (I have been on so many first aid courses it should have been automatic). Logic and doctors tell me that I could not have known, the symptoms were so vague, and that he could not have been brought back does not sink in. The guilt and what ifs always win. Then there are the day to day worries  - getting into debt because I cant manage money... not being able to go out and enjoy myself...panic attacks because the brand of cat food i get is not in stock...whinging and negative all the time...I have had a few stern words with myself but I don't listen. Phil used to joke that I was his "mare" because I could be stubborn..he was right!!

I now finally understand that you never get over the pain of losing your partner, but you make room for it. But it takes up a hell of a lot of headroom. anyway...smile and face the world yet again tomorrow, and stick to my plan to walk back into work on monday with my head held high. I was allowed a breakdown...if you cant fall apart after losing your partner, when can you?